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God
G-D may or may not exist, which means if he does, he is even more awesome He's definitely a Douchey Awesome, having created his own enemy and allowing Evil to exist just so He can look good by comparison. His foreknowledge of all events prevents true free will from existing, and His is the original Patriarchal oppression. God is a total dick: *God is a looksist, and hates uggos, (Leviticus 21:17-24) *God commits genocide and has many more committed for his sick favor *God turns bitches into salt (Genesis 19:26) *God tells dudes to kill their kids, totally mindfucking them to test them (Genesis 22:1-12) *God doesn't want you to test or question him *God wants bears to kill babies (4 Kings 2:23-24) *God hates shrimp *God hates tattoos *God hates gays *God hates women *God hates cotton-polyester blends *God sometimes doesn't want his image portrayed *G-d sometimes doesn't even want you spelling his name fully *God endorses slavery *God has no problem killing innocent Egyptian babies (Numbers 16:41-49) *But God doesn't want you to kill unborn Christian babies *God will kill you for masturbating (Genesis 38:1-10) *God murders people over a bet (Judges 14:1-19) *God tortures his followers over a dare from the Devil (The entire Book of Job) *God assaults strangers, and cheats when fighting (Genesis 32: 22-31) *God hates complainers, and sets them on fire (Numbers 16:1-49) Much more of God's hypocrisy and lunacy is spelled out in The Gospels According to Nate, the new and improved books of the Bible. ******************** Basically, if He does exist, you're totally fucked because there's no way you can live up to His ridiculously high standards. And seriously how can you guess which of the many different Religions, sects, cults and versions of the same God there are? If you pick Christian, what if the Muslims turn out to be right? If you pick Islam, what if the Jews turn out to be right? And if you pick Judaism, it's probably Christianity and then you're definitely screwed! And which Christianity? Mormonism? Presbyterians? Southern Baptists? The Westboro Baptist Church? The Mantis God? Catholicism? Maybe they're all wrong and it's the Bahai people who are onto something. But choose wisely, for while dat true religion will bring you everlasting life, the false one will make you burn in fucking hell for all eternity. '' PRAYER ''YOU COULD BE PRAYING TO THE WRONG ONE RIGHT NOW! ''FUCK! You could even be ''praying wrong! Like, get on your knees and pray five times! No wait! Spin around counter-clockwise and juggle snakes! And what if there isn't just one God? What if the Hindus have it right and you're not praying to enough Gods? Or what if you pray to multiple Gods and the ONE TRUE GOD gets pissed off about it because he's a namby-pamby jealous little twat? You're doomed. Maybe the Ancient Hittites had it right... and they're all dead with nobody worshipping their God at all anymore. FUCK. When you stop to think about it in the scope of human history... there were religious versions of God that lasted waaaaaay longer than anything we have going today, and they all disappeared. What would make today's trends any different, other than your bias towards them because it's contemporary to you. You self-centered shit. You could just wager that since the punishment for not believing in God is worse than merely being wrong about the alternative, then you might as well believe. But even if you pick the right God, perhaps vindictive little bitch that He is, He won't take kindly to you believing Him merely to save your own ass as a sort of cynical token of ass-coverage. But even if ''God is totally cool with you covering your bases by reading the King James Bible, the Torah, the Talmud, and the Koran... what if when you reach those pearly gates, an unforgiving Cthulhu eats and annihilates your soul with not even a formality of final judgement? What if Anubis cuts your fucking heart out and feeds it to a crocodile? What if you just get reincarnated... ''as somebody who then goes on to pick the wrong God? What if you're born as somebody who never gets access to information about the right God, or born long before or long after the fact? What if you're physically incapable of accepting the right God? What if the right God never comes along? What if He does, but He's just not that into you? What if you repent on your deathbed, but then you have one last sinful thought due to the random firings of neurons in your brain before you die? That would suck, right? I mean, we all have those thoughts that just "pop" right into our heads without our control. And what if your last thought, (moments after confessing to a priest and accepting Christ as your one true Savior) was how you'd like to violate your high school sweetheart with a banjo and some WD40? You'd be fucked! And since God knows it's going to happen, it's essentially entrapment. Just like when he knew that Adam and Eve would create original sin in the first place, and then proceeded to make them do so. And then had people torture the shit out of his only begotten son because of it, years later. And then had more people torture the shit out of the Jews over that for millenia. Because they're his "Chosen" people. Man, God is a dick! Mull that one over. God tells these Hebrews for THOUSANDS of years that they should follow Him and they're His Chosen people and He's got their backs, and specifically to WATCH OUT FOR FALSE PROPHETS. So when they see somebody that they think is a false Prophet, who is convicted by their version of due process and arrested by the Romans, they do what God essentially told them to do and, in point of fact, needed them to do to get His business done. And they knew not what they did! And so it only makes perfect sense that they would be flayed, enslaved, beaten, set on fire, gassed, stereotyped, lynched, exploded, shot and raped for the rest of time. And then God sends another Prophet down to teach people about peace and inspire a cultural renaissance in the Middle East. But he rigs it so that only half of the Abrahamic people believe this particular Prophet, but wrote the prophecies on both sides so that they'd have to kill each other over them, because as with everything else God demands, beliefs are mutually exclusive and highly proprietary. Oh but wait. Everybody can't be right about God. That's just silly. If that were the case, then why would the Israelites have even rebelled against the Egyptians in the first place, since their multiple Gods could have ganged up on just ONE God? And even though Yaweh clearly kicked their asses, what about later when the Norse Gods show up? You're really going to pit locusts against lightning? And even if your God can't beat up my God, you still have to justify the primacy of your God by denying the existence of all the other proposed Gods. That means you're an atheist to over 28,000,000 Gods (over the course of human history) at least. ''Which means that atheists and monotheists only differ by 0.000036% in their beliefs. I mean... El Elyon? Don't be ''retarded. And if God doesn't exist, then this whole thought experiment is an utter waste of time. Category:Gods Category:Cosmic Beings Category:Beings Category:Mythical Creatures Category:Legends Category:Awesomes Category:Douchey Awesomes Category:Lunatics Category:Bad Asses Category:Morally Ambiguous Figures Category:Most Powerful Character